Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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