my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
