Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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