his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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