3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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