remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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