Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dicks are not precious.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
