Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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