Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
