Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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