You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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