I just saw a hot homeless man
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
