Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
