Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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