It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i drank out of a bidet.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
