That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
