She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
