I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
