I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
