Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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