I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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