im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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