Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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