while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
