so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
