I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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