Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
