He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
