I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
