It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
