Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
