everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
