I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
