mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My bed smells like the plague
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
