it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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