Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
