I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
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