I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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