to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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