So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
