i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
