I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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