I wanna bring you to show and tell
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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