My sheets look like a crime scene.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
