he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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