My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She's just so happy...and so naked.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
