i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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