Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
