also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
