girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
