Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
