Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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