Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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