She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
