GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
