The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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