i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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