I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
